For those of you who have read my previous post, On My Sexual Development, I was married for years before I came to see myself as bisexual. It is not clear that I ever would have become bisexual without the very special sexual relationship my wife and I have. Some will say that I did not correctly phrase that statement. What do you mean become bisexual? Are not people genetically and by nurture determined to be heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual? I think the answer depends upon how much personal choice is covered under the term nurture. Some will be angered that by implying that personal choice can play a role, I have become allied with persecutors of the religious right. I am not. What I am is a rational observer of my own life and my own mind. I know why I am bisexual and it is not because I was hardwired such that I could only be bisexual. I had and even now, have a choice in the matter.
As I noted in the last post, I was a pretty asexual teenager. Lust was not any part of my life then. Whatever switch turns lust on, it took me years perhaps to will that it should be turned on and it took a wonderful woman to actually throw that switch. She is the love of my life and she remains that to this day. I cannot imagine living without her. Indeed, after three days without her loving, I start to decompose, or some other such drastic and undesirable effects take over. I can live quite happily with only the love of my wife. Yet, I have come to realize that I would be even happier with a long term intimate relationship and bond with a best male friend. In some quarters, they are saying he just wants to have it all. That is right. I do. And what on Earth is wrong with that? I am sure many of you have answers, but are they rational answers?
In general, I expect that one's sexuality is a very complex development of one's biochemistry, life experiences, and self-evaluations and choices based on one's experience and biochemistry.
Genetically we are extremely varied. The human genome sequencing results are showing us to be more and more varied genetically all the time. We are so varied that it is actually becoming much more difficult than had been thought until just now to even try to compare genetic effects and traits based on our DNA. There are surely many DNA sequences that allow one to be only heterosexual, others that allow one to be bisexual, and still others that allow one to be homosexual. I expect there are many combinations of DNA sequences in which there is overlap on the DNA domains of the heterosexual, bisexual, and homosexual sexual responses. When there is overlap of these domains, one's experiences and evaluations of those experiences make the operative choice. Some people perhaps had no or little choice, while others are likely to have considerable choice.
I only really know my own mind, so I am not of the opinion that my sexual development is anything like the story of most others. But, it is probably only entirely unique unless you observe it with a microscope. I made a long series of choices to explore, develop, and choose the nature of my sexuality. My wife was intimately involved in much of that development. She and I both enjoyed the exploration and the developments. It was in substantial part because I so much came to treasure the sexual relationship and the intimate closeness we had together, that I was enabled to even imagine a kind of parallel relationship with a good man. As a teenager, I did not have sexual fantasies. Upon being strongly attracted to the woman who became my wife, I had fantasies about sex with women, mostly her, and I had dreams about sex with women thereafter.
Only after venturing into an all male theater in San Francisco years later and our both realizing we were turned on by what we were watching, did I really begin to fantasize about sex with a man. There was a slow build-up in the frequency of those fantasies. As my wife played to the fantasies she knew I was having and which did seem to turn her on fairly often, we both came to think of me as bisexual. But, it was a few years down the road yet before my fantasies were central enough in my mind that I ever became aware of having a dream about having sex with a man. Meanwhile, my dreams about having sex with women had continued. I am very convinced that if I had felt really uncomfortable with having fantasies about sex with men and if my wife and I had not played with those fantasies in our own sexual relationship, then it is unlikely that I would have come to actually develop a desire for male sex strong enough to have dreams about it.
I believe that in this way, I made a choice and it was to feel comfortable with being a highly sexual being and to flout the social and sexual conventions of the society in which I lived. I did not hold them in high regard whenever they were based on irrational ideas. I saw no harm in being close to and giving pleasure to another man or in his giving me pleasure. Some claim that this weakens the family, but that also is a choice people make. I still loved my wife deeply and very much enjoyed being with her. I still loved my children. And, my wife had been with me every step of the way to this point in my development as a bisexual man. There was no drama when I told her that I now thought of myself as a bisexual man. I never had to make a hard decision about whether to tell her or worry about her reaction.
But to this time, I had never actually had sex with a man. I did not want to stop at only having fantasies about sex, so I took advantage of the Internet to talk to some men who were bisexual. After exchanging e-mails and meeting a few men to talk, I decided to actually have sex for the first time with one man I liked after spending some time with him. We only had oral sex and it was a bit awkward, being my first time, at least at first. But, the experience was positive enough that I soon was looking for a man I hoped I might have a longer relationship with. I found such a man and we had great sex as noted in my last post. But, he lived far enough away and we were both very busy men, so we did not get together very often. Nonetheless, those occasional visits did confirm that my optimal mode of life was as a bisexual married man with an intimate long-term relationship with a good man.
For some time, I did not tell my wife about my actual experience with a man. She also did not ask. In fact, I thought that she had enough good reason to ask whether I was looking for a man or meeting with a man, that I was pretty sure that she did not yet want to know. I thought that when she did want to know, I would surely tell her about it. In time, she did ask and I did tell her. She did suffer some uncertainty and fear. I assured her that I loved her as much as ever. I am sure that it was very apparent to her that I was very much enjoying our own sex life. I told her that I very much enjoyed having sex with a man, but it was a great addition to loving her and could not be a substitute. She made me proud in how quickly she got over her worries. She is a very, very good woman.
It may have helped that in the first 9 years of our marriage, my beautiful wife had not always been able to say no to all of the men who wanted sex with her. My love for her never waivered in that time, though I had told her that a couple of the men were not worthy of her. A couple were good men and I had been fine with that as long as she was enjoying the occasional sex with them and as long as I had reasonable assurance that she still loved me. I wanted her to be as happy as possible.
So, my wife and I have the unusual characteristic of not expecting monogamy, but fully expecting to be much loved by one another. We have now been in love with one another for 40 years. That love is deep and dependable, yet it is not entirely exclusive. Perhaps some people really need exclusivity. People are very complex and very unique. Certainly, society generally holds that exclusivity is the very central tenet of a marriage. Our marriage is more an intimate partnership, companionship, the knowledge we can depend on one another, a deep need to hold one another close, four decades of memories, children we love together, and a great sex life. With all that, we have had the strength to forge our rules of marriage and for our own particular loving relationship. I would most enjoy a polyamorous relationship and believe that with the right man, that would be most ideal.
Marriages, loves, sexualities, partnerships, and companionships are highly complex and much differentiated among individuals. We all have to wrestle with them. But, never underestimate the importance of thinking about them and of giving them the time they require. This is especially true of your marriage, but also true of the relationships we try to forge with another man.
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